Move over Fifty Shades of Grey, because you’re not the only horrible movie in theatres right now. Kingsman: The Secret Service is not at all what its trailer portrays it to be—an action packed, fun-loving, spy film. No, no, and no. I cannot iterate enough how no one should watch this film. I expected a James Bond meets The Avengers type thing, and the only thing I got was disturbed. Warning: this movie is not for the faint of heart and I do describe some details, so please protect little eyes.
Harry Hart, played by Colin Firth, is a spy who loses a dear friend during an interrogation gone wrong. In order to make it up to the deceased’s family, he takes the son under his wing to train him as a spy. Lots of training and cool gadgets later, the son Eggsy, becomes a great spy. Meanwhile, the villain—Richmond Valentine, played by Samuel L. Jackson—has distributed free SIM cards to almost every human on the planet under the guise that everyone should have free calls and internet forever. But the real plan is far more sinister. On a certain day, at a certain hour, all SIM cards will be activated to release a frequency that will turn every human being into a raging psycho-killer.
The first hour and ten minutes is fun and interesting, and then all of a sudden, it takes a nose dive down the toilet. The violence and gore levels multiply a hundred fold. Harry Hart slaughters an entire church full of people under the influence of the SIM cards, and it’s like the movie changes personality. The final hour is way too long and the violence and death is enough to make anyone want to leave the theatre. To top it all off, the ending is absolutely disgusting—every aristocrat in the world has their head blown off, and Eggsy, the hero, is rewarded with a sexual act that I will not describe here, and all of a sudden, close of curtain. Wow, awful.
I simply had to write a review to warn people away from this horrible piece of filth. As many people are trying to find an alternative to seeing Fifty Shades of Grey, I would not pick Kingsman. In fact, maybe just don’t go to the theatre unless you’re seeing Paddington, which I hear is innocent and fun.